Which part of gracious do you not understand?

Source: Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.0.1)
gra‧cious [grey-shuhs]
– adjective
1. pleasantly kind, benevolent, and courteous.
2. characterized by good taste, comfort, ease, or luxury: gracious suburban living; a gracious home.
3. indulgent or beneficent in a pleasantly condescending way, esp. to inferiors.
4. merciful or compassionate: our gracious king.
5. Obsolete. fortunate or happy.
–interjection 6. (used as an exclamation of surprise, relief, dismay, etc.)

In reference to the recent article in today's Straits Times Home section page H4 entitled "Teen Blogger's Elitist Remarks", our aim to be a gracious society probably falls under point 3. above. Where citizens of Singapore should be indulgent or beneficient in a pleasantly condescending way, especially to inferiors. So the moral of the story?
"The next time you step on the downtrodden and push the weak by the wayside and scoff at the poor, remember to say please and thank you and everything's gonna be alright." (sic)

With no power comes no responsibility

The title of this blog is something my sig-oth shared with me just minutes ago. It's from Clerks 2. Trust those guys to come up with no-brainers like that. But they are oh, so true, so true.
Anyway, we were in front of our respective computers busy typing away when he turned to me and asked me straight up, "Are you writing your blog?" I looked up sheepishly and said, "Uh, no." Without missing a beat, he continued, "Are you working then?" And anticipating his quizzical look, I went on to say that I was taking a little break and responding to Mr Miyagi's blog. Satisfied with my answer for the time being, he went back to his editing. However, I felt a tad guilty....I started my blog, and I haven't been religiously updating it. I give the excuse that nothing is happening with my life. But I lie, alot is, so much stuff go in and out of my life like people going through turnstiles during peak hour time. I'm just freaking lazy to casually write in my blog. To me, writing is now associated with working....and I don't work for fun or in my free time. I have to get around to that oxymoronic equation. Just doesn't gel. So stay tuned, I will update my blog soon. I am in the midst of gathering my thoughts. Yes there is much to gather. As a freelance journo juggling a million and one projects, my thoughts are rather scattered. So for want of a better word, I am defragmenting.

Not all kids are humans

I guess I should explain this picture. I slotted it in 'cos as you can see my blog is devoid of pictures and I guess it can be alittle verboise when all you see is alphabets, words, and the likes. Yet, I do not have a digital camera, or camera phone or any camera hyphenated anything. This is my one and only personal digital picture of our kids. Yes, they are our children, as both sig-oth and I feel that we have no time and money to raise proper kids. So here you have Beary, Snowy and Swheetheart (the monkey). All of them came to us in one significant way or another and we give them voices and personalities. Actually, we do falsettoes for each one of them but my sig-oth does killer voices for all 3 of them. They are sooooooo adorable. I love these kiddos.

Gandalf The Grey

I actually remembered my user id this time and thus herein lies my 2nd entry, hurray to me that this blog was not created in vain.

I feel so tired these days. Stale air....sluggish air....all I want to do is just eat and sleep. My work hangs in mid-air as I can't open my eyes anymore and my brain comes to a standstill...literally. I for one am someone who cannot function without adequate zzzz's. Hence the title of this blog.

Ever since I discovered that my creativity peak was collapsing in a mad avalanche, my deadlines of my stories have been delayed, postponed, all in a vain attempt to buy time. I resorted to burning the midnight oil and sacrificing sleep. It's amazing how the hours get swallowed up by mere fruitless thoughts. I'll be staring at the screen, wondering how to start a story and just when I type my first letter, hours have passed me by. Midnight suddenly became mid dawn. ARRRRGGGH!

Sleep deprivation is not a pre-possessing sight. 24 hours without sleep makes one's countenance look ashen. Actually grey is a better word. Yes, after one such zzzz-less episode, I have looked into the mirror and screamed in fright at the sight that greets me. My parlor is ash grey. No amount of makeup and concealer can hide it. It is scary but the shade seems to devour anything that is put on top of it. Then there's the feeling that accompanies it. You feel like crap. How I long for the days of doing nothing.

You are looking at someone who can zone out and think of nothing and I mean nothing. Picture this: My mind=jet black nothingness=Zone out me. I'm simple like that. My hubby and ex's used to wonder how that was possible. I tend to fish out men who are complex thinkers. Who can't...in their words....stop thinking. Even at rest, they profess to think ceaselessly, their brain in overdrive. Psst, I'll let you in on a secret. I actually have heard them think. I kinda imagine those mechanical cogs in their skull cap, clicking and ticking like clockwork. If that freaks you out, it's like the fan belt in your computer harddrive whirring noisily. Weird. You know that someone is in an active mode of thought just by sensing their vibes. They have this really active aura around them. Like a forcefield. I used to ask them how that was possible? How could one keep thinking without having a break? I'd tell them just zone out. Think of nothing. They couldn't fathom what I was saying. They thought I was the one that had too simplistic a view on life.

****a break of one hour****

I just woke up. Sorry I had to leave my blog and go catch some snooze. The makeshift bed is just a foot away from where I'm sitting now. Sleeping on a really flat uncomfortable yoga mat which provides little buffer to my laminated maple wood floor can be quite relaxing...that's if you're darn tired. But I like sleeping like that. I've gotten used to the hardness. My body and bones seem to have adjusted quite nicely. I like that when I wake up, I don't know where I am, what time it is, what am I doing here. I wonder if this is how its like when you're in that in-between plateau of life and death. That must be quite nice. It takes a few seconds to reconcile myself with the present surroundings. Then reality slowly creeps into me, like a misted bathroom mirror that clears up after a door or window is opened to let in some air.

Now I'm sitting in front of the computer screen, my 1/4 written story still not done. Its getting so darn tedious to write these days. My inspiration well is so dry, its like running your fingernails on the blackboard. Whatever happened to the prolific writer in me? I may have overdid it. Taking on so many writing jobs that I just can't pen anything anymore. Instead of working on my story, I'm doing this...writing my blog. I always was the greatest procrastinator on earth. Going by the book of "Thou shalt put off what you can do today". Greatest procrastinators make the worse writers. With luck, I'll be able to finish this story and proceed on to the other 4 freaking stories.

Please god, give me the inspiration to write. Or just give me a quick death. I can't write and it's killing me.

Introducing Air

My second attempt at blogging. The first blog is lost in virtual stratosphere....in layman's speak, I don't know where the "begeesus" it is....*

I'm thinking it's hiding from me...tearing away into the dark hole of the web screaming "set me free!" Maybe it's 'cos the farthest I've gone is to write my description like this one. And that's it. That first blog probably felt pimped that it was so under utilised while the other blogs were enjoying a field day, getting loadsa eyeballs, getting recognised, heck, even getting sponsored! And mine was like dead air. I'm not a tech-retard, in fact I'm logged on 24/7. And get this, I'm a full-time freelance journo (how strange that rhymes so close to wino). So what gives? Explain thyself!

After much soul searching (read: starring into a blank screen), I've come to the epiphany that it's who I am. The very same reason that led me to my current vocation, and the very same reason that's gonna be my undoing. I tried too hard...everyone was getting into blog-fever and personally I have a soft spot for all the food blogs that are filled with talented writings and beautiful photos. I covet after these, wondering if I should join 'em...but there's so many of them now doing a good job that it doesn't make sense to be a pathetic drop of water in a vast ocean.

Which brings me to this new blog. "Defragmenting Air" I call it. Is my name Air? It could be. Look at it from any point of view, religious, socio, philosophical...air just seems universal. It seems like nothing. Comes and goes as it wishes. Important and unimportant. A clash of meanings. A breath of fresh air. A reek of stale air. Chameleon like, it takes on shapes, sizes, smells....anything and everything. That is what I am, what I have come to be. I am nobody. For those of you who have watched the awesome movie "Dead Man" with Johnny Depp, his constant companion is called Nobody. Sit through the movie and you'll understand.

Defragmenting? Big word. Techie word. Innocuous word. I just like the sound and look of it. I got to know it first when my computer crashed major big time. A sig-other went about defragmenting it to set it right. I ain't no whiz so I asked what that meant. Then it hit me, the revelation...breaking it down and sweeping away all the "bad stuff", the goo, the what-nots that have been weighing the machine down and getting into the hair of its proper functionings. Making a clean break of it all. I liked how that sounded. I wanted that too. "Please sir, can I have a defragmenting special with extra de's?"

If only it were that easy....*

In the universe of happy-happy-joy-joy blogs, the cheese stands alone. I choose to air my thoughts and grievances in a world that has seen better days. I hope that, honest to gawd, there are many out there of like-minds. Amidst the shiny happy people, it is my wish to represent the down-trodden, the despaired, the disillusioned, the lost souls...you're not alone. In a way, perhaps this blog can serve up some heartfelt rememdies, solace, chicken soup for the weary. Or you could read 'em and weep. Catalyst or carthasis, you need Air.

So this blog is my avenue of defragmenting myself. All the gunk in my life, my brain, my thoughts will be channeled into this blog and when it comes time to defragment the computer, it will in a way defragment me too. All my troubles and woes will go into the black hole where techie trash is rid of forever. You are welcome to climb on board my journey. Feel free to disembark whenver, wherever. On Air, you can do anything.